Santa Claus Died A Long Time Ago & Mrs. Claus Is Turnin' Tricks

Yup, you read that title correctly. I wrote a Christmas song about how jolly old St. Nick has left us after a long fight with the rich capitalists, angry that his "socialist" gift giving policy has cut into their annual Christmas gouging, leaving his dear wife to fend for herself and peddle her wears on the cold, dark, and unforgiving streets of my hometown, Gary, Indiana.

This aint your parents Santa Claus, unless your parents were Mario Van Peeples and/or Iceberg Slim, which seems like it would be pretty cool.

Santa Claus loved all children

Whether you were poor or rich

And so his elves made toys for girls and boys

And sewed every doll stitch by stitch

Santa Claus loved all children

Whether you were Black or White

And so he jumped on his sleigh and was on his way

To deliver those toys all night

But Santa Claus was bad for business

He didn't make the children pay

So, the capitalists said giving away free toys

Was a threat to the American way

So the rich called Santa Claus a socialist

And labeled him an enemy of state.

All their TV stations started running him down

And they called him a purveyor of hate.

That's why

Santa Claus died a long time ago

And Mrs. Claus is turning those tricks

On the streets of G.I.

Trying to make that money

For Rudolph The Red Nosed Pimp

Santa Claus died a long time ago

And Mrs. Claus is turning those tricks

On the streets of G.I.

Trying to make that money

For Rudolph The Red Nosed Pimp

Santa Claus loved all children

Whether they were Muslim or Jew

All the Christians, Hindus, Buddhists, Agnostics,

And even all the atheists too.

Santa Claus loved all children

Whether they were gay or straight

So old Fred Phelps and his family clan

Told him hell was his ultimate fate.

So the rich labeled Santa Claus a pedophile

Got him banned from the USA

On their radio stations they're running him down

All because he just would not play

So Santa Claus called up the president

And tried to get the story straight

And old Obama from Goldman Sachs

Told him he was gonna have to pay

That's why

Santa Claus died a long time ago

And Mrs. Claus is turning those tricks

On the streets of G.I.

Trying to make that money

For Rudolph The Red Nosed Pimp

Santa Claus died a long time ago

And Mrs. Claus is turning those tricks

On the streets of G.I.

Trying to make that money

For Rudolph The Red Nosed Pimp

Santa Claus loved all children

So he decided it was time to fight back

So he went on his blog to defend himself

From the mainstream media attacks

Santa Claus loved all children

So he exposed with the companies do

Poison water and air

Spread smoke everywhere

While the government conceals the truth

So the rich called Santa Claus a terrorist

And put a bounty on his head

All their troops marched upward to the North Pole

To drag him out alive or dead

But Santa Claus hid in his bunker

And now he was trapped inside

Put the gun in his mouth

As the troops stormed in

And told his loving wife good bye

That's how

Santa Claus died a long time ago

And Mrs. Claus is turning those tricks

On the streets of G.I.

Trying to make that money

For Rudolph The Red Nosed Pimp