Thursday, December 18, 2014

Santa Claus Died A Long Time Ago & Mrs. Claus Is Turnin' Tricks

Yup, you read that title correctly. I wrote a Christmas song about how jolly old St. Nick has left us after a long fight with the rich capitalists, angry that his "socialist" gift giving policy has cut into their annual Christmas gouging, leaving his dear wife to fend for herself and peddle her wears on the cold, dark, and unforgiving streets of my hometown, Gary, Indiana.

This aint your parents Santa Claus, unless your parents were Mario Van Peeples and/or Iceberg Slim, which seems like it would be pretty cool.





Santa Claus loved all children
Whether you were poor or rich
And so his elves made toys for girls and boys
And sewed every doll stitch by stitch

Santa Claus loved all children
Whether you were Black or White
And so he jumped on his sleigh and was on his way
To deliver those toys all night

But Santa Claus was bad for business
He didn't make the children pay
So, the capitalists said giving away free toys
Was a threat to the American way

So the rich called Santa Claus a socialist
And labeled him an enemy of state.
All their TV stations started running him down
And they called him a purveyor of hate.

That's why
Santa Claus died a long time ago
And Mrs. Claus is turning those tricks
On the streets of G.I.
Trying to make that money
For Rudolph The Red Nosed Pimp

Santa Claus died a long time ago
And Mrs. Claus is turning those tricks
On the streets of G.I.
Trying to make that money
For Rudolph The Red Nosed Pimp


Santa Claus loved all children
Whether they were Muslim or Jew
All the Christians, Hindus, Buddhists, Agnostics,
And even all the atheists too.

Santa Claus loved all children
Whether they were gay or straight
So old Fred Phelps and his family clan
Told him hell was his ultimate fate.

So the rich labeled Santa Claus a pedophile
Got him banned from the USA
On their radio stations they're running him down
All because he just would not play

So Santa Claus called up the president
And tried to get the story straight
And old Obama from Goldman Sachs
Told him he was gonna have to pay

That's why
Santa Claus died a long time ago
And Mrs. Claus is turning those tricks
On the streets of G.I.
Trying to make that money
For Rudolph The Red Nosed Pimp

Santa Claus died a long time ago
And Mrs. Claus is turning those tricks
On the streets of G.I.
Trying to make that money
For Rudolph The Red Nosed Pimp

Santa Claus loved all children
So he decided it was time to fight back
So he went on his blog to defend himself
From the mainstream media attacks

Santa Claus loved all children
So he exposed with the companies do
Poison water and air
Spread smoke everywhere
While the government conceals the truth

So the rich called Santa Claus a terrorist
And put a bounty on his head
All their troops marched upward to the North Pole
To drag him out alive or dead

But Santa Claus hid in his bunker
And now he was trapped inside
Put the gun in his mouth
As the troops stormed in
And told his loving wife good bye

That's how
Santa Claus died a long time ago
And Mrs. Claus is turning those tricks
On the streets of G.I.
Trying to make that money
For Rudolph The Red Nosed Pimp

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